It’s been said that I have a better than average knowledge of horror movies from certain people who run this website. If that is the case, it is expressly because I grew up with weird friends and seemed to have some fascination with being terrified as a child. My perusing of the horror movies at the grocery story has given me a strange reference point to horror movies that are a bit more rare, like Chopping Mall and Slumber Party Massacre. Not that I’ve ever SEEN these movies, mind you, their images and synopsis merely line the back of my skull. Somehow through, or perhaps because of, a healthy terror, I have made it this far in my life. Though I haven’t seen all those VHS tapes from Buehler’s Buy Low that I stared at, I still somehow watched a lot of horror growing up. I had friends who thought that horror was great, and the powers of peer pressure assured I was to have seen and had every Nightmare on Elm Street.
With that in mind, I present to you, the terror of the constantly terrified. A look at what did the most damage to me as a child and gave me unreasonable fears into adulthood.
I mentioned Nightmare on Elm Street before and it is probably the most prominent movie to scare me. I had a friend who loved it and somehow this became “both kids love it”. I mean, I thought it was pretty cool, but my idea of a good viewing was in the middle of a crowded city at noon, maybe projected onto a building. But no, instead he would run up to me and show me stuff like this.
The back of that Dream Warriors VHS was my first run-in with Kreuger and would sadly not be my last in adolescence. I never even saw the movie until I was much older and could reach the light switch on my own, thankfully, but I had an irrational fear of dream snake-men from ages 7-9. I still won’t pet them.
That was the first, but not last time a box cover haunted me. I’ve had some assurance that I wasn’t the only one disturbed by this next picture so apologies if this brings back bad memories. As noted, my local grocery store had a lot of fringe horror movies sitting out. Not all were outwardly scary, many were unassuming and just had your standard scary font or something. And then others were Ghoulies.
Need I explain what’s terrifying about a monster coming out of the toilet when you’re 7?! If you’re curious about the plot, there’s an excellent review elsewhere on this site with details about directors and so on, from me you just get A GREEN MONSTER COMING OUT OF THE HOPPER! Going to the bathroom is a pretty terrifying experience as a kid on its own, without the worry of monsters in the plumbing.
The final reason why I have social problems is a movie called the Video Dead. I did not even know the name of this film until recently. It existed only as the most horrifying Thanksgiving ever. Thanks to the internet classifying everything, including stuff like, ‘what’s that movie with this part in it?’ I became more educated. Back to Thanksgiving, though. As it wound down, everyone had gone outside or downstairs, everywhere but where I was which was the dining room. Adjacent was the living room , where the tv was left on. I was playing with trucks or breaking something I imagine, and then I hear the ominous horror chords that accompany many an 80’s movie kill. So I wander to the living room because I’m stupid. The lights are out and as I peak in I see this:
I handled it pretty well for 5 seconds, except that my aunt has her laundry room right beside her living room. I spent the rest of Thanksgiving avoiding anything that could conceal a zombie, which made getting into the car fun on the way home. Anyway, I’m guessing this is why I haven’t gotten married yet.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my scarred childhood, feel free to share any illogical horror-related phobias in the comments section!
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